812 Reasons I'm not dead yet.

So, I know it's been a while, but I'm not dead yet.


I did, however, implement the new "stop trying to change everything just learn from prior mistakes" method I'd discussed before.  And, other than a few people I'd already established that pattern with that I did have a hard time breaking, it's been extremely successful.


Now, the downside of that has been that people that were accustomed to "doormat Jenn" have had difficulty adjusting to "don't tread on me Jenn".  I've been accused of being a cold, heartless bitch; passive-aggressive and difficult; and selfish.  But, I've also been told that I'm tough but fair and that I push the people around me to be better.  And those closest to me have stated that I have a new brightness, energy, and that I'm just generally happier than I've ever been before.  And they're right.


Since I began casting off all that didn't serve me, cutting ties with ex friends, boyfriends, and acquaintances; I've managed to focus on me for the first time in a very, very long time.  Now, I've been losing weight, making more sales than ever, finding new, awesome friends and reconnecting with old ones; and getting more sleep than I think I ever have that wasn't depression induced.  So, clearly I must be doing something right.


However, I still am having trouble fully letting go of the past.  I've managed to destroy the feelings I had for people that were preventing me from moving forward with my life, but I've yet been unable to retrain my reactions to new situations.  I've been told:

1. It's like I carry around the past with me like a bag of ammunition ready to unleash.

2. That I'm still reacting like an abuse victim and I assume everyone is going to hurt me.

3. That I need to forgive people for the past and accept that people really can change and treat things as new.

So, that's what I'm still working on.  And it's a much bigger issue than I ever expected it would be - to actually trust someone not to let me down, intentionally hurt me, disrespect me, or take me for granted is intensely difficult and I've been a frosty bitch toward everyone in self defense.  So, I'm probably doing a fantastic job of pushing people away right now but the few people that are still in the circle of trust have been goodly enough to tolerate me. 

But, the best part about this entire thing has been that I'm no longer dead inside.  I was so numb for so long - just sick to my stomach of being hurt that I didn't even give a shit anymore about anyone or anything.  And I ended up letting a lot of people in my life I shouldn't have and let them all stomp on what was left of my heart and self esteem.  Through time, effort, and self improvement I've gotten enough duct tape and crazy glue to smoosh everything back together and you know what?  I think it's actually beating again. 

I'll still be very wary of people for a while yet.  I know that.  But I think I'm finally ready to move on to Goal #2:


Goal 2: Be willing to trust people again. Stop being a closed-off ice queen to everybody - I'm smart, successful, and not too painful to look at.  People will like me for me.  If that's not enough for them - too bad for them.

Overall though, I do have to say - cutting ties with the people that had been holding me back has been by far the second best decision of my entire life, with getting Smidgen declawed being the first.  I can look at the people around me right now and feel good - I'm surrounded by people that respect and appreciate me for who and what I am, I'm not lying awake at night trying to figure out how to make them happy, they care about me and in turn are helping me to learn to care for myself. And it's working - I'm happier, healthier, and more successful than I've ever been.  If I'd know how toxic a select few people were to me I'd have shut the door years ago and NOT opened it back up.

They say living well is the best revenge, but I don't even care about revenge.  I don't even care about them, period. That part of my life is over and done with and the new part has been fantastic :-).  So, here's to the future and all the fame, fortune, and good times it holds.

Opinions

Opinions are opinions, people are people.  We ought not to confuse the two.

Reasons why attacking a person for their beliefs is pointless and only perpetuates crazymaking.

1.  Opinions are fluid and their greatest strength is that they are malleable and changeable.  If we all believed and thought the same things, the world would lose all its magic and be incredibly boring to me. 

2.  I love a good scholarly debate, but I do feel that opinions are opinions, I am entitled to mine, and you are entitled to yours, and that there is a world of difference between debate and attack.

3.  When one attacks a person for their beliefs, it creates a schema that we are at odds with that person, and due to cognitive dissonance, even if we do find that we agree with other opinions that person holds, we will not be able to to assimilate that into our schema; we will either deny/ignore it, or we will consider it to be an exception to the norm.

4.  I have a very good friend that I have shared many years of debate and entertaining stories with.  However, we do disagree extremely heavily on a few key matters, both of which we hold rather dear.  Fortunately, we are both mature adults that accept that it isn't worth hating each other over these differences, and that we both value each other's company much more than we value having the last word on the matter.  Yes, the easiest thing to do is simply to ignore those topics, but they do come up from time to time.  We are, however, able to agree to disagree without becoming angry or attacking each other's opinions or person.  And that's why Tony rocks.

5.  Anyone can say "you're wrong".  It takes a much bigger person to say "I feel differently and here are the reasons why I believe what I do".  Never throw out an opinion you can't support, you'll only show that you react emotionally instead of logically.  By the time you've thought things through, you've had a chance to simmer down.

6.  What's the point of rant-rage?  Yes, I believe I just coined that term.  The internet leave so much anonymity that all we have to go off of to create the image of the author is our own emotional reflection.  Debating on what you feel based off of the few words of mine you've been kindly enough to read, you might think my brain is so damn hot you just want to give me a brain massage and hope that some of it seeps through my pores so you can carry it with you always.  Or, you could think I'm the dumbest bitch ever to ride a keyboard and you'd like to punch me through your monitor right now and the only reason you're still reading is because iTunes is updating and your browser is running too slowly to take you the hell away from here.  Either way, I'm glad that I've siphoned some kind of an emotional response from you.

7.  What's the point?  The point is, nobody wins when someone comments "ur gay" or "this sux".  Big deal.  Don't care.  You've not invoked any kind of emotional response from me, although I do imagine the poster is probably gay or sucks themselves.

812.  I have nothing to gain from petty arguments.   I doubt you do either.  And if you do, I am sorry that you have such a pitiful, miserable life that you have to resort to arguing with strangers from the internet in order to gain a sense of accomplishment for winning an argument.