812 Reasons I'm not dead yet.

So, I know it's been a while, but I'm not dead yet.


I did, however, implement the new "stop trying to change everything just learn from prior mistakes" method I'd discussed before.  And, other than a few people I'd already established that pattern with that I did have a hard time breaking, it's been extremely successful.


Now, the downside of that has been that people that were accustomed to "doormat Jenn" have had difficulty adjusting to "don't tread on me Jenn".  I've been accused of being a cold, heartless bitch; passive-aggressive and difficult; and selfish.  But, I've also been told that I'm tough but fair and that I push the people around me to be better.  And those closest to me have stated that I have a new brightness, energy, and that I'm just generally happier than I've ever been before.  And they're right.


Since I began casting off all that didn't serve me, cutting ties with ex friends, boyfriends, and acquaintances; I've managed to focus on me for the first time in a very, very long time.  Now, I've been losing weight, making more sales than ever, finding new, awesome friends and reconnecting with old ones; and getting more sleep than I think I ever have that wasn't depression induced.  So, clearly I must be doing something right.


However, I still am having trouble fully letting go of the past.  I've managed to destroy the feelings I had for people that were preventing me from moving forward with my life, but I've yet been unable to retrain my reactions to new situations.  I've been told:

1. It's like I carry around the past with me like a bag of ammunition ready to unleash.

2. That I'm still reacting like an abuse victim and I assume everyone is going to hurt me.

3. That I need to forgive people for the past and accept that people really can change and treat things as new.

So, that's what I'm still working on.  And it's a much bigger issue than I ever expected it would be - to actually trust someone not to let me down, intentionally hurt me, disrespect me, or take me for granted is intensely difficult and I've been a frosty bitch toward everyone in self defense.  So, I'm probably doing a fantastic job of pushing people away right now but the few people that are still in the circle of trust have been goodly enough to tolerate me. 

But, the best part about this entire thing has been that I'm no longer dead inside.  I was so numb for so long - just sick to my stomach of being hurt that I didn't even give a shit anymore about anyone or anything.  And I ended up letting a lot of people in my life I shouldn't have and let them all stomp on what was left of my heart and self esteem.  Through time, effort, and self improvement I've gotten enough duct tape and crazy glue to smoosh everything back together and you know what?  I think it's actually beating again. 

I'll still be very wary of people for a while yet.  I know that.  But I think I'm finally ready to move on to Goal #2:


Goal 2: Be willing to trust people again. Stop being a closed-off ice queen to everybody - I'm smart, successful, and not too painful to look at.  People will like me for me.  If that's not enough for them - too bad for them.

Overall though, I do have to say - cutting ties with the people that had been holding me back has been by far the second best decision of my entire life, with getting Smidgen declawed being the first.  I can look at the people around me right now and feel good - I'm surrounded by people that respect and appreciate me for who and what I am, I'm not lying awake at night trying to figure out how to make them happy, they care about me and in turn are helping me to learn to care for myself. And it's working - I'm happier, healthier, and more successful than I've ever been.  If I'd know how toxic a select few people were to me I'd have shut the door years ago and NOT opened it back up.

They say living well is the best revenge, but I don't even care about revenge.  I don't even care about them, period. That part of my life is over and done with and the new part has been fantastic :-).  So, here's to the future and all the fame, fortune, and good times it holds.

Reason 812 why I love a good conversation.

There are very few things in life I genuinely appreciate as much as good conversation.  Not just small talk, but where the conversation becomes a living, dynamic part of the company.  Over time I've come to realize that good conversation does not come from good topics, but from good conversationalists. 

812 Attributes of an Excellent Conversationalist

1. They make their point and elaborate on it, but don't harp on restating it over and over simply with different wording.
2. They don't create filler just to lead and dominate the conversation.
3. Unless they point they are making or story they are telling is extremely important, they will let the topic derail and move onto whatever flows next.
4. This isn't small talk.
5. They do not agree with everything you say for the sake of agreement.  They will be able to elaborate on why they agree without simply restating what you just said.
6. They will not disagree with everything simply for the sake of being disagreeable.
7. They understand that disagreement does not need to result in conflict, anger, or a need to be "right".
8. They are knowledgeable about a myriad of topics. 
9. Even if they are not well versed in the topic at hand, they still follow and attempt to learn rather than force steering it into a realm they are more comfortable with.
10. They appreciate the value of educating, informing, enlightening, and sharing knowledge, opinions, and experiences.
11. They are not out to propagate their agenda or force you to their way of thinking.
12. They are not limited to 1 or 2 "go to" topics.  They do not turn every conversation to the same topic.
13. They understand that they are only the most fascinating person in the universe to their self - others may enjoy hearing about them and their life, but not all the damn time.  A good conversationalist can have an excellent conversation about anything, a bad one can have an excellent conversation about their self.
14. A good conversationalist listens.  A bad one is only waiting for their next opportunity to talk.

Excellent conversation fires up the mind.  It invigorates the soul.  Many of the greatest moments in my life have been centered around a night of talk - whether liquor fueled or not - with friends, family, or even people I'd just met.  Although it hardly holds a candle to face to face communication, I've even had excellent conversations via IM or other media.

I love the feeling when one can hardly even break away to go to the bathroom or get another drink because it's so difficult to break the flow of thoughts.  When the great philosophies of life end up scribbled on the backs of bar napkins.  When words get imprinted on the mind and thoughts upon the soul.  When the only thing that can drag you away is time or interference, not boredom or fatigue. 

Good conversation is inspirational.  It infuses the mind and spirit with thoughts that come alive.  It invigorates one's day with creativity and sends neurons sparking on all cylinders. It fends off negative ruminations and serves as a reminder that there is other intelligent life out there and that we can find it. 

Inspiring conversation is addictive.  Once you get a taste for it you just crave more.  Small talk and chit chat just don't cut it anymore.  There are so many things out there much more fascinating than what you've been doing lately and what's new in pop culture.  I want to know what sets someones soul on fire.  I've been reconnecting with some excellent conversationalists and I've come to notice that it's made me thirsty for more.  It's been a long time since I've actually been able to sit down and talk with anyone that didn't default to work or other life stressors.  And now all I can think about is when and where I'm going to get my next fix ;-P

 

Age is More than just a Number

I've never believed that age is just a number.  Now, I primarily work with an older adult market, and I do agree that as age increases the lines blur more and more.  I have clients that are preparing for the end of their life, I have clients that still have children at home, I have clients retiring, I have clients starting new careers and going back to school.  But I digress...

What I commonly see are issues with myself and my friends and our younger friends.  When you're in high school, the lines are much more defined and age makes a huge (and sometimes legal) difference.  But once you're out, the lines blur and the only real difference between you and everyone else is whether or not you can legally buy booze.

But the differences don't end there, and for at least the next few years, there are many life stages that must be passed through before one goes from being a legal adult to an actual adult.

Reasons why age does matter:

1.  So you're a legal adult.  That's awesome.  You ready to install a water softener?  You have the money to pay for the maintenance on your car? Do you even know how to change a tire?  Ya, you're probably still relying on your parents for a lot of things.  You're not independent yet.  Even if you live on your own, if you're still financially dependent on your parents, you're not an adult.  I don't care how old you are.  Being an adult means being financially independent and self reliant.

2.   There are a lot of emotional changes taking place through this period.  It's hard to go straight from being a child to being an adult without the transitional period there.  It can lead to rocky relationships because you want to be accepted as an adult but you're emotionally still underdeveloped.  Your emotional needs and relationship goals are constantly changing.  Just because you know what you want in the long run doesn't mean that's what you need right now.  Don't be afraid to act your age or you'll grow up too fast and wake up one day realizing you really are an adult and that you never had any fun like I did.

3.   Having your own place and own money doesn't mean you're an adult. There is a lot of real life learning that has to take place, what to do when the drains are backing up, how to care for your lawn, how to drain your water softener, how often to change your furnace filter, etc. that only come from experience and advice.  Don't be afraid to ask for advice or to accept it when it's given - you don't know everything about everything and it's worth your time and attention to learn from others that have been in the game longer.

4.  Accept that you and your friends might be at different life stages.  It used to be that you graduated high school, maybe went to college, got married, and had kids.  It was easy to define everyone's life stage.  Now, we're staying single longer, moving out later, leaving and coming back to college, etc.   So, even though you may be close friends, there can be a world of difference between an 24 year old and a 28 year old.  That's not a bad thing, but it is something to be taken into consideration.  Not everyone can stay out all night.  Sometimes saying that you have to stay home and do laundry and clean the bathroom means that you really need to do that - it's not going to clean itself and that is the time you had budgeted to take care of household chores. Likewise, needing to study is serious business and should be respected.  Just because you're done with college doesn't mean others don't still have a long way to go.

5.  Inter-relational dynamics.  This is where it can really become an issue.  Whether it is a relationship or simply a friendship, when one partner is significantly further along in their life stage, it is very difficult to see someone on a less developed stage as an equal.  This can skew the relationship from being symmetrical into being complimentary - instead of being partners one becomes the teacher/parent figure and the other becomes the learner/child.  Once this has been established it can be a very difficult dynamic to overcome.

6. More dynamics - When unbalanced partners enter a relationship aside from casual friendship, they enter into a superior/inferior dynamic.  This means that one partner inevitably holds the power in the relationship because they bring more resources into the relationship.  This could be having their own place, having more money, having handyman/mechanical/automotive skills, having more friends, or being the person the other relies on for emotional, financial, or sexual support.  This means that the inferior partner will have a more vested interest in the relationship because they are having more needs met by their partner than they are meeting for their partner.  This can lead to excessive bargaining in order to preserve the relationship, and may eventually lead to resentment.

7.  Goals - As mentioned earlier, just because you both want a house and a family some day doesn't mean you both need it right now.  If one of you is looking at remodeling a bathroom and financing options for a new car and the other is looking at finding a job where they don't have to deal with hot grease burns and trying to find a way to keep their mom off of their Facebook, you might not have the same short term goals.  Now, maybe one partner is willing and happy to wait for the other to finish their degree and get established in a career before talking about marriage, but it is very likely that one partner will either believe that the other is holding them back or trying to drag them along before they're ready.

812. Don't be afraid to act your age.  I've said it before and I can't say it enough.  You can't expect to be treated like an adult when you still react like a child.  Likewise, if you do act like an adult, people will assume you are one and treat you accordingly whether you're prepared or not.  You don't want to wake up one day with a spouse and house and child and realize you never had any fun or that you never took the risks you wish you had before you took on your adult responsibilities.  Likewise, if all your friends are working hard, buying houses, getting married, and breeding - maybe it's a sign that you either have to get with the times or be left behind.  You can still have fun and enjoy life without wasting it.  Don't latch onto other people to benefit from their hard work without being willing to work hard to earn those things for yourself.