There are very few things in life I genuinely appreciate as much as good conversation. Not just small talk, but where the conversation becomes a living, dynamic part of the company. Over time I've come to realize that good conversation does not come from good topics, but from good conversationalists.
812 Attributes of an Excellent Conversationalist
1. They make their point and elaborate on it, but don't harp on restating it over and over simply with different wording.
2. They don't create filler just to lead and dominate the conversation.
3. Unless they point they are making or story they are telling is extremely important, they will let the topic derail and move onto whatever flows next.
4. This isn't small talk.
5. They do not agree with everything you say for the sake of agreement. They will be able to elaborate on why they agree without simply restating what you just said.
6. They will not disagree with everything simply for the sake of being disagreeable.
7. They understand that disagreement does not need to result in conflict, anger, or a need to be "right".
8. They are knowledgeable about a myriad of topics.
9. Even if they are not well versed in the topic at hand, they still follow and attempt to learn rather than force steering it into a realm they are more comfortable with.
10. They appreciate the value of educating, informing, enlightening, and sharing knowledge, opinions, and experiences.
11. They are not out to propagate their agenda or force you to their way of thinking.
12. They are not limited to 1 or 2 "go to" topics. They do not turn every conversation to the same topic.
13. They understand that they are only the most fascinating person in the universe to their self - others may enjoy hearing about them and their life, but not all the damn time. A good conversationalist can have an excellent conversation about anything, a bad one can have an excellent conversation about their self.
14. A good conversationalist listens. A bad one is only waiting for their next opportunity to talk.
Excellent conversation fires up the mind. It invigorates the soul. Many of the greatest moments in my life have been centered around a night of talk - whether liquor fueled or not - with friends, family, or even people I'd just met. Although it hardly holds a candle to face to face communication, I've even had excellent conversations via IM or other media.
I love the feeling when one can hardly even break away to go to the bathroom or get another drink because it's so difficult to break the flow of thoughts. When the great philosophies of life end up scribbled on the backs of bar napkins. When words get imprinted on the mind and thoughts upon the soul. When the only thing that can drag you away is time or interference, not boredom or fatigue.
Good conversation is inspirational. It infuses the mind and spirit with thoughts that come alive. It invigorates one's day with creativity and sends neurons sparking on all cylinders. It fends off negative ruminations and serves as a reminder that there is other intelligent life out there and that we can find it.
Inspiring conversation is addictive. Once you get a taste for it you just crave more. Small talk and chit chat just don't cut it anymore. There are so many things out there much more fascinating than what you've been doing lately and what's new in pop culture. I want to know what sets someones soul on fire. I've been reconnecting with some excellent conversationalists and I've come to notice that it's made me thirsty for more. It's been a long time since I've actually been able to sit down and talk with anyone that didn't default to work or other life stressors. And now all I can think about is when and where I'm going to get my next fix ;-P
Showing posts with label psychology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label psychology. Show all posts
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday, October 11, 2010
Twisted Sense of Humor
I was recently asked why it is that some people tend to enjoy joking about dark and disturbing subject matter. Here is my .02
Well there are a lot of reasons people are attracted to dark, disturbing, or violent imagery and discussion. It varies from person to person, from moment to moment, and is subject to change.
1. Yes, it could be that the person has disturbing thoughts and jokes are the only socially acceptable outlet for them.
2. It could be for shock value, interpreted as cool or edgy, and the person may be expressing themselves that way in order to portray that edge, much like a way of dress or smoking can be done as a method of expression.
3. We all have a "shadow" to our personality. We used to be able to express this through our own means of living - blood, guts, feces, and death were a part of everyday life. Sex was taboo, but death - that was just part of life.
Now, it's quite the opposite - very few of us have actually killed an animal for a meal. We have toilets, bathrooms, bedrooms, privacy - unless you have siblings, it's very likely you may have reached young adulthood without ever seeing the opposite gender nude. So, we have a lot of stigma associated with the blood, guts, gore, feces, and death that were previously part of everyday life. When someone died, you put them in the parlor for 3 days, let everyone give their respects, then you buried them. And you went into mourning for a time where you wore black and didn't attend social functions. Then, when your period of mourning was over, you were permitted to wear color again and rejoin society.
I think it was in the 1920's or 1930's when a popular woman's magazine stated that it was unfashionable to display a body in the home. Families were encouraged to set away their heirlooms and replace the family parlor with the "living room". This created the funeral parlor. Also, with the increase in medical care, more people were dying in hospitals than at home, both death and the body were no longer something to be dealt with inside of the home. As time went on, sanitation improved, houses got bigger, privacy increased, meat was killed and butchered by the butcher or farmer rather than members of the household, and medical care improved. We were living longer, healthier lives. So, as time went on, our exposure to the core, essential elements of living were restricted to the point where it was considered rude and crass to even discuss them.
But, they are part of our existence. A part that we are no longer exposed to except in small, restricted amounts that we are no longer permitted to acknowledge. If the thought of blood, feces, or puke turned your stomach you wouldn't be very effective 60 years ago. Now, it's perfectly acceptable.
We are no longer allowed to grieve properly. It's no longer acceptable for anyone to be sad over someone's loss, we just tell them that the deceased is in another place and that they should get on with their life. As a result, we force people to hide their grief and internalize it, and as a result they hang onto that grief rather than letting it out and working through it.
So, we have essentially turned these topics into social taboos, and that causes us to ruminate on them. It creates a shock value and creates a need to explore our feelings towards those topics, yet we know we are not socially permitted to discuss them.
Well there are a lot of reasons people are attracted to dark, disturbing, or violent imagery and discussion. It varies from person to person, from moment to moment, and is subject to change.
1. Yes, it could be that the person has disturbing thoughts and jokes are the only socially acceptable outlet for them.
2. It could be for shock value, interpreted as cool or edgy, and the person may be expressing themselves that way in order to portray that edge, much like a way of dress or smoking can be done as a method of expression.
3. We all have a "shadow" to our personality. We used to be able to express this through our own means of living - blood, guts, feces, and death were a part of everyday life. Sex was taboo, but death - that was just part of life.
Now, it's quite the opposite - very few of us have actually killed an animal for a meal. We have toilets, bathrooms, bedrooms, privacy - unless you have siblings, it's very likely you may have reached young adulthood without ever seeing the opposite gender nude. So, we have a lot of stigma associated with the blood, guts, gore, feces, and death that were previously part of everyday life. When someone died, you put them in the parlor for 3 days, let everyone give their respects, then you buried them. And you went into mourning for a time where you wore black and didn't attend social functions. Then, when your period of mourning was over, you were permitted to wear color again and rejoin society.
I think it was in the 1920's or 1930's when a popular woman's magazine stated that it was unfashionable to display a body in the home. Families were encouraged to set away their heirlooms and replace the family parlor with the "living room". This created the funeral parlor. Also, with the increase in medical care, more people were dying in hospitals than at home, both death and the body were no longer something to be dealt with inside of the home. As time went on, sanitation improved, houses got bigger, privacy increased, meat was killed and butchered by the butcher or farmer rather than members of the household, and medical care improved. We were living longer, healthier lives. So, as time went on, our exposure to the core, essential elements of living were restricted to the point where it was considered rude and crass to even discuss them.
But, they are part of our existence. A part that we are no longer exposed to except in small, restricted amounts that we are no longer permitted to acknowledge. If the thought of blood, feces, or puke turned your stomach you wouldn't be very effective 60 years ago. Now, it's perfectly acceptable.
We are no longer allowed to grieve properly. It's no longer acceptable for anyone to be sad over someone's loss, we just tell them that the deceased is in another place and that they should get on with their life. As a result, we force people to hide their grief and internalize it, and as a result they hang onto that grief rather than letting it out and working through it.
So, we have essentially turned these topics into social taboos, and that causes us to ruminate on them. It creates a shock value and creates a need to explore our feelings towards those topics, yet we know we are not socially permitted to discuss them.
Age is More than just a Number
I've never believed that age is just a number. Now, I primarily work with an older adult market, and I do agree that as age increases the lines blur more and more. I have clients that are preparing for the end of their life, I have clients that still have children at home, I have clients retiring, I have clients starting new careers and going back to school. But I digress...
What I commonly see are issues with myself and my friends and our younger friends. When you're in high school, the lines are much more defined and age makes a huge (and sometimes legal) difference. But once you're out, the lines blur and the only real difference between you and everyone else is whether or not you can legally buy booze.
But the differences don't end there, and for at least the next few years, there are many life stages that must be passed through before one goes from being a legal adult to an actual adult.
Reasons why age does matter:
1. So you're a legal adult. That's awesome. You ready to install a water softener? You have the money to pay for the maintenance on your car? Do you even know how to change a tire? Ya, you're probably still relying on your parents for a lot of things. You're not independent yet. Even if you live on your own, if you're still financially dependent on your parents, you're not an adult. I don't care how old you are. Being an adult means being financially independent and self reliant.
2. There are a lot of emotional changes taking place through this period. It's hard to go straight from being a child to being an adult without the transitional period there. It can lead to rocky relationships because you want to be accepted as an adult but you're emotionally still underdeveloped. Your emotional needs and relationship goals are constantly changing. Just because you know what you want in the long run doesn't mean that's what you need right now. Don't be afraid to act your age or you'll grow up too fast and wake up one day realizing you really are an adult and that you never had any fun like I did.
3. Having your own place and own money doesn't mean you're an adult. There is a lot of real life learning that has to take place, what to do when the drains are backing up, how to care for your lawn, how to drain your water softener, how often to change your furnace filter, etc. that only come from experience and advice. Don't be afraid to ask for advice or to accept it when it's given - you don't know everything about everything and it's worth your time and attention to learn from others that have been in the game longer.
4. Accept that you and your friends might be at different life stages. It used to be that you graduated high school, maybe went to college, got married, and had kids. It was easy to define everyone's life stage. Now, we're staying single longer, moving out later, leaving and coming back to college, etc. So, even though you may be close friends, there can be a world of difference between an 24 year old and a 28 year old. That's not a bad thing, but it is something to be taken into consideration. Not everyone can stay out all night. Sometimes saying that you have to stay home and do laundry and clean the bathroom means that you really need to do that - it's not going to clean itself and that is the time you had budgeted to take care of household chores. Likewise, needing to study is serious business and should be respected. Just because you're done with college doesn't mean others don't still have a long way to go.
5. Inter-relational dynamics. This is where it can really become an issue. Whether it is a relationship or simply a friendship, when one partner is significantly further along in their life stage, it is very difficult to see someone on a less developed stage as an equal. This can skew the relationship from being symmetrical into being complimentary - instead of being partners one becomes the teacher/parent figure and the other becomes the learner/child. Once this has been established it can be a very difficult dynamic to overcome.
6. More dynamics - When unbalanced partners enter a relationship aside from casual friendship, they enter into a superior/inferior dynamic. This means that one partner inevitably holds the power in the relationship because they bring more resources into the relationship. This could be having their own place, having more money, having handyman/mechanical/automotive skills, having more friends, or being the person the other relies on for emotional, financial, or sexual support. This means that the inferior partner will have a more vested interest in the relationship because they are having more needs met by their partner than they are meeting for their partner. This can lead to excessive bargaining in order to preserve the relationship, and may eventually lead to resentment.
7. Goals - As mentioned earlier, just because you both want a house and a family some day doesn't mean you both need it right now. If one of you is looking at remodeling a bathroom and financing options for a new car and the other is looking at finding a job where they don't have to deal with hot grease burns and trying to find a way to keep their mom off of their Facebook, you might not have the same short term goals. Now, maybe one partner is willing and happy to wait for the other to finish their degree and get established in a career before talking about marriage, but it is very likely that one partner will either believe that the other is holding them back or trying to drag them along before they're ready.
812. Don't be afraid to act your age. I've said it before and I can't say it enough. You can't expect to be treated like an adult when you still react like a child. Likewise, if you do act like an adult, people will assume you are one and treat you accordingly whether you're prepared or not. You don't want to wake up one day with a spouse and house and child and realize you never had any fun or that you never took the risks you wish you had before you took on your adult responsibilities. Likewise, if all your friends are working hard, buying houses, getting married, and breeding - maybe it's a sign that you either have to get with the times or be left behind. You can still have fun and enjoy life without wasting it. Don't latch onto other people to benefit from their hard work without being willing to work hard to earn those things for yourself.
What I commonly see are issues with myself and my friends and our younger friends. When you're in high school, the lines are much more defined and age makes a huge (and sometimes legal) difference. But once you're out, the lines blur and the only real difference between you and everyone else is whether or not you can legally buy booze.
But the differences don't end there, and for at least the next few years, there are many life stages that must be passed through before one goes from being a legal adult to an actual adult.
Reasons why age does matter:
1. So you're a legal adult. That's awesome. You ready to install a water softener? You have the money to pay for the maintenance on your car? Do you even know how to change a tire? Ya, you're probably still relying on your parents for a lot of things. You're not independent yet. Even if you live on your own, if you're still financially dependent on your parents, you're not an adult. I don't care how old you are. Being an adult means being financially independent and self reliant.
2. There are a lot of emotional changes taking place through this period. It's hard to go straight from being a child to being an adult without the transitional period there. It can lead to rocky relationships because you want to be accepted as an adult but you're emotionally still underdeveloped. Your emotional needs and relationship goals are constantly changing. Just because you know what you want in the long run doesn't mean that's what you need right now. Don't be afraid to act your age or you'll grow up too fast and wake up one day realizing you really are an adult and that you never had any fun like I did.
3. Having your own place and own money doesn't mean you're an adult. There is a lot of real life learning that has to take place, what to do when the drains are backing up, how to care for your lawn, how to drain your water softener, how often to change your furnace filter, etc. that only come from experience and advice. Don't be afraid to ask for advice or to accept it when it's given - you don't know everything about everything and it's worth your time and attention to learn from others that have been in the game longer.
4. Accept that you and your friends might be at different life stages. It used to be that you graduated high school, maybe went to college, got married, and had kids. It was easy to define everyone's life stage. Now, we're staying single longer, moving out later, leaving and coming back to college, etc. So, even though you may be close friends, there can be a world of difference between an 24 year old and a 28 year old. That's not a bad thing, but it is something to be taken into consideration. Not everyone can stay out all night. Sometimes saying that you have to stay home and do laundry and clean the bathroom means that you really need to do that - it's not going to clean itself and that is the time you had budgeted to take care of household chores. Likewise, needing to study is serious business and should be respected. Just because you're done with college doesn't mean others don't still have a long way to go.
5. Inter-relational dynamics. This is where it can really become an issue. Whether it is a relationship or simply a friendship, when one partner is significantly further along in their life stage, it is very difficult to see someone on a less developed stage as an equal. This can skew the relationship from being symmetrical into being complimentary - instead of being partners one becomes the teacher/parent figure and the other becomes the learner/child. Once this has been established it can be a very difficult dynamic to overcome.
6. More dynamics - When unbalanced partners enter a relationship aside from casual friendship, they enter into a superior/inferior dynamic. This means that one partner inevitably holds the power in the relationship because they bring more resources into the relationship. This could be having their own place, having more money, having handyman/mechanical/automotive skills, having more friends, or being the person the other relies on for emotional, financial, or sexual support. This means that the inferior partner will have a more vested interest in the relationship because they are having more needs met by their partner than they are meeting for their partner. This can lead to excessive bargaining in order to preserve the relationship, and may eventually lead to resentment.
7. Goals - As mentioned earlier, just because you both want a house and a family some day doesn't mean you both need it right now. If one of you is looking at remodeling a bathroom and financing options for a new car and the other is looking at finding a job where they don't have to deal with hot grease burns and trying to find a way to keep their mom off of their Facebook, you might not have the same short term goals. Now, maybe one partner is willing and happy to wait for the other to finish their degree and get established in a career before talking about marriage, but it is very likely that one partner will either believe that the other is holding them back or trying to drag them along before they're ready.
812. Don't be afraid to act your age. I've said it before and I can't say it enough. You can't expect to be treated like an adult when you still react like a child. Likewise, if you do act like an adult, people will assume you are one and treat you accordingly whether you're prepared or not. You don't want to wake up one day with a spouse and house and child and realize you never had any fun or that you never took the risks you wish you had before you took on your adult responsibilities. Likewise, if all your friends are working hard, buying houses, getting married, and breeding - maybe it's a sign that you either have to get with the times or be left behind. You can still have fun and enjoy life without wasting it. Don't latch onto other people to benefit from their hard work without being willing to work hard to earn those things for yourself.
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