It has been too long since my last adventure. I've had my outings, my moments - but it's been nigh on 3 months since I've last done something utterly foolish and irresponsible and certainly not fit for a work night. I believe I may be getting the itch again - the itch to shake things up a bit. Maybe climb a mountain or jump out of another plane. Maybe stay out all night and spend way too much on scotch. Perhaps I'll let myself even start feeling feelings again, just for the thrill of the ride before they get shattered.
As anyone that's ever been graced with sharing my bed can tell you, I am not much of a sleeper. There are so many things more important than sleep, and I'm not just talking about a sexy rumpus or anxious insomnia. There are the moments you share - staying up all night exchanging movie quotes with a friend, reading one another poetry, whispering secret details of ones' childhood. But then there are the stolen moments, the synchronization of breathing, the listening to one anothers' heartbeats, the excruciatingly careful placement of hands and limbs... soaking in the moments of shared silence before sleep comes and the moment is broken. Those are the moments I always want to freeze - the stillness of quiet perfection, the feeling of connection with another human being, knowing that once daylight comes the veil will be lifted and the disconnect will return and I will again be alone with my thoughts.
Sleep is important to the body. There are things more important than sleep - things that are important to the soul. Like the shoulder of a man and the way it makes a perfect pillow. Or the smell of a pillow that isn't yours. And the way the back of ones' neck can be caressed with merely a breath. These are the moments where souls can touch, people connect, if it is the right person at the right time. So unfortunately often though, it is merely strangers sharing space, disconnected and alone regardless of being in one anothers' arms.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Passions
812 Passions
Sometimes I feel like I am the only one left in the world
that has passions.
I am not speaking in a strictly romantic sense. I am passionate about a great many things – I
am a thinker of deep thoughts and a doer of a great many things. Some of them are interests, hobbies, or mere
fillers of time. Others though, my
singing, my cat (and kitten fostering), my parties, and my ongoing search for
my soul’s counterpart… these go beyond that.
These are things around which I have carefully structured my life, time,
and my body. Even the parties I could do
without, I would miss them but there would not be the hole in my heart as would
be left by living a catless life, never again hearing my voice soar over a
crowd, or never feeling my heart being touched by another.
I have recently met so many new people in such a short
amount of time – interesting, intelligent people, with myriad interests and
talents. Yet, despite a plethora of new
conversations and experiences I’ve accrued, I still feel disconnected. I can’t quite put my finger on why… but the
vast majority of my interactions seem superficial, shallow, and a mere acting
out of expected behaviors and polite conversation. Not that they are not enjoyable, but just
that it seems that something is missing – that innate connection that one
sometimes gets with another person - the je ne sais quoi which surpasses
understanding and bonds us to one another.
I am a goal oriented person.
If I don’t have anything with which to look forward in the short term, I
usually end up planning a party. It
gives me something to plan for, something to get excited about, something
toward which for me to funnel all my extra mental energy. I spend weeks to months crafting the perfect
experience for my guests – music, food, drinks, entertainment; all blended
together for an incredible evening. But,
then the big night comes and afterwards it is all over and I’m back to square
one. I just threw such a shindig last
weekend, so perhaps I am tired, perhaps I am moody, but perhaps it just serves
as a reminder of my lack of emotional connection to those around me.
There is a good possibility that the problem is, in fact,
with me. I myself tend to be closed off,
cold, and difficult to get to know. I
have been burned many times and have difficulty opening myself up to being
hurt. As such, I tend to push others
away – unwilling to risk exposing myself to emotional attachment and therefore
the corresponding emotional gains. Maybe
it’s the possibility of hurt that heightens the degree of connection we feel
with one another. Perhaps with a greater
emotional investment I would gain greater returns. Or perhaps I’d just be opening myself up to
people with no scope of emotion that would never reciprocate my affections.
But at the same time if I ask someone about what they are
passionate, I do expect an answer, and a proper answer, not the cookie cutter
health & wealth. Maybe I’m not
giving them enough credit, not everyone possesses the lingual skills with which
to properly express their thoughts. But
it certainly seems that there ought to be some sort of depth of emotion
attached to at least SOME aspect of one’s’ life. There are few things in life more thrilling
than seeing someone show true passion for something – whether it’s their eyes
lighting up when the talk about it, or watching them go into a trancelike state
while practicing it. The best is when it
is something you can share – to feed off of one another’s’ energy and
experience it together. But regardless
of how I feel about an activity, I can still adore it if I’m with someone that
genuinely loves what they are doing.
I repeatedly get a sense that no one values anything
anymore. In today’s world of instant
gratification, who truly has passions anymore?
We have our interests and our activities but they only run skin
deep. But how can I, a passionate
person, ever be satisfied with someone that is not? If they can’t name one thing about which they
really and truly care, how would they ever be capable of caring for me? Would I simply be another activity, an
accessory to their life, a tool to assist with their daily living? They might tell me they care, or go through
the motions of expected behaviors, but I’ve wasted time before on passionless
people, and they always have taken me for granted in the end.
Passionate people see value in things, in people, and in
connections. We treasure those around us
and choose our cohorts carefully. We are
centers of influence and excitement and touch the lives of those to whom we are
close. I want someone with whom I can
share not just activities and conversation but ideas, emotions, and excitement;
someone with whom I can bond, a kindred spirit, in whom I can lose myself and
find myself all at once - my twin soul.
Perhaps no such person exists. Or, they do, and I’ve met them; but am unable
to see it due to my own frosty nature.
Or perhaps I do know them, but they are just as closed off and cold as
me, and until we each learn to shed our skins we will be unable to recognize
our counterparts in one another.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Reason 812 Why Love is not so Lovely
Reason 812 Why Love is not so Lovely
- Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.
- The character "Rose Walker" in The Sandman #65, Neil Gaiman
I sometimes believe truer words were
never spoken.
I am not a fan of love. I have made a habit of destroying love with
logic, romance with reason, and moments with musings. I know every thrill from
every caress is merely hormonal and chemically induced, that my brain is trying
to fool me into falling in love for the sake of attempted procreation, and that
sooner or later I will bore of this and begin searching for my new companion in
the hopes that, some day, I will meet someone capable of holding my eye and my
interest indefinitely.
I know no such thing is possible,
yet I go through the dance anyway, propelled by bonding hormones and compelled
by a societal need for companionship. So
why then does my logic fail me and my heart still wield far more power than I
would prefer over my emotions? Why does
a simple emotion (or lack thereof) influence me to such a depth as to cost me
my sleep or my good mood?
Love, you are a devious mistress,
taunting and teasing me with your wiles and ways. You flaunt yourself about in print and media,
whoring yourself across the expanse of things that may serve to influence
me. Your concepts of perfection, desire,
soul-mateship; they get under my skin and trick me into tossing away my better judgment
and wrapping myself in stolen moments and late night messages. You lead me from my path and tempt me into
the dark recesses of the jungle of the heart.
When you are near I find myself foolhardy as a drunken sailor and ready
to hand over my heart to someone that would most likely let it drop and shatter
as so many grains of sand upon the shore.
What perhaps bothers me more is that
I cannot commit to either path. To be a
fool in love is to be king for a day, to fly with the eagles and soar among the
stars, and to waste away the hours lost in loves’ embrace. Yet my mind is sharp and arms me against folly,
guarding me and keeping me in my fortress of thoughts and far from such
merriment. Yet, still, I may gaze upon
it and see what it is in which I cannot partake; and I find it sometimes
maddening.
I find myself in a constant battle
between intellect and intimacy. With one
hand I beckon and the other I turn away, inviting all to my island but never
allowing anyone to walk upon the shore.
There are few times in this life
when I don’t even know what to tell myself.
I tell myself I’m waiting, I tell myself I’m working on me, but I do not
know if I buy it. I tell myself I am
waiting for somebody amazing, for my soul to see itself in another, for someone
that can make my heart sing. Someone
that makes my soul dance and my heart race and my mind go blank with a million
thoughts and nothing all at once. But
then I fear what happens when those feelings fade, when I’m forced to once again recognize that the
companion with whom I’ve shared my time, my body, and my heart is but a
stranger to me after all; and I must decide whether to part ways or stick
around to preserve their feelings. I
dread that moment with the very core of my being.
Maybe I am chasing dreams and trying
to grasp onto grains of sand; trying to hold onto feelings that have long since
abandoned me. I find myself once again wanting
to spend the night in the arms of love, to feel breathless in their embrace,
and the flutter of my heart upon greeting them.
Perhaps that is the addiction, the fix for which I have been
longing. Perhaps it is my destiny that I
keep moving forward, constantly chasing the next thrilling hunt, never settling
down nor committing until I reach exhaustion.
I do not know what I want, nor what
the future holds. My path is no longer
clearly cut, but the world is instead open to me and I must venture forth,
clearing my way as I so choose. I may find that for which I am looking, or I
may not – this I must accept. I am
flying blind for the first time.
Friday, August 17, 2012
812 reasons this Halloween party is going to be the best EVER.
For those of you that don't know me, I like to throw some pretty kickass parties. They range from the small and lavish to the huge and wild, and feature my incredibly eclectic group of friends ranging from 20's to 60's. But this... this will be the one party... TO RULE THEM ALL. Last years' Halloween party rocked, but it wasn't as big as I had expected - based on previous party attendance I was planning for a TON of people. I had a great turnout, but not the massive quantity of people I had anticipated. I believe I have figured out the reasons for that and rectified them for 2012.
1. No cover charge this year.
- Last year I had been throwing a party on a somewhat monthly basis. It was becoming a line item in my budget. And being 29 and single, that was getting to be a bit spendy. This year, due to medical reasons and other obligations, I've only thrown 1 public party. And that was the first week of January. I'm ready to rock again.
2. No complicated party theme.
- Last year's theme was "7 Deadly Sins". It was great - the house was broken up into different themed "zones" based on the different sins - greed was the poker table, gluttony was the buffet, envy was a special room with top shelf booze and food that had a higher cover charge, etc. It was fantastic in theory, but in practice it was overly complicated and a lot of people were put off by the cover charge. So everyone ended up just gathering in the kitchen as usual. This year the theme is Halloween Party. Ya. Everyone can just chill and have a good time without being forced to adhere to some crazy party rules. If I wanted to have a bunch of stupid rules I'd just play King's Cup or something like that.
3. I moved the date up a week.
- Having a Halloween party on the Saturday before Halloween is awesome. So awesome, in fact, that EVERYBODY ELSE does it too. Even the bars. Guests had to either choose me over something else or party hop. So, this year, I'm moving everything up a week. That way I won't conflict with everyone else's parties and festivities.
4. I'm keeping the things people loved.
- The Tarot card reader was a huge hit, and she will be back this year. I'm also keeping the costume contest and adding on an extra category. I love winning things, so I'd love to have more prize opportunities for this years' guests. I'm even considering adding a game or two (something simple, you can't get a group of costumed drinking adults together and ask them all focus). Maybe a simple scavenger hunt to get people to explore the house and see all the decorations and they win a fancy jello shot or some knick knack.
5. I started a poll of the guests to see what THEY want.
- Before blowing my whole budget on decorations or booze or whatever, I started polling the guests. I actually found out that they were more concerned with snacks and hors d'oeuvres, followed by desserts, than fancy cocktails or bulk booze. So, instead of my typical cheeses and dips and saucy meats; I'm putting some real time and effort into choosing some nifty spooky appetizers and such.
6. I hired a DJ.
- This way, I have ONE person that is in charge of music. He's a pro. He can read a crowd. Guests aren't going to dick with his equipment. He isn't going to blast the volume on a song and deafen an entire room because he wants to hear it two rooms over. He can choose songs that will please the crowd and honor requests rather than everyone trying to decide what everyone else wants to hear.
7. Rearranging the furniture. Again.
- Gonna move the basement office to the second guest room, the media center to the basement office, the dining table to the media area, and that leaves the main floor open. This can serve two purposes - setup space for dj/band, or dance floor. Or, I can just buy a pool table. Either works for me.
8. Hopefully it won't be colder than a witches' titty outside this year.
- Exterior decorations and furniture weren't really used last year because it was freaking freezing outside. I do have two fire pits that I'll be sure to fire up before the party, but hopefully the exterior temps won't keep everyone inside this year.
9. Inviting a much wider range of guests this year.
- I've noticed a few things about my parties - the socially awkward tend not to show up in the first place, and pretty much everybody I know is pretty cool. No one is easily offended and the faint of heart tend to leave early anyway. I don't have to regulate/decide who is going to have fun and who won't - they can take care of that on their own. All my friends are inclusive of strangers and I've never seen anyone at my parties sitting alone or looking lost/frightened/bored. I'm accustomed to hearing things like "Hey, your dad is really cool" and seeing a 25 year old and a 55 year old having an excellent conversation. I don't like the idea of anyone feeling uncomfortable worried that they're too old/too young/too conservative to have a good time.
10. More decor.
- Since I already have plenty of decorations from last year, I have a bit more time this year to focus on crafting and actually doing some fantastic hand made stuff. I've already started clearing out my stuffed animals and collecting fantastic ideas.
11. Craft Wines
- I tried my hand at a few different wines last year that turned out extremely well. Nothing like a bottle of homemade hard cider to capture the fading sunset and autumn air.
12. I already have a ton of RSVP's.
- This is one of those events where the more = the merrier. Seeing this much interest generated already freaking rocks. So hard. This party needs to go viral. I want Bill "Fucking" Murray there.
13. I've already started decorating.
- enough said
812. I am MOTIVATED.
- Due to some severe and unforeseen medical issues, the entire first half of this year sucked. Now I'm healed up and ready to get back in the game. I haven't had any parties since March/April and those were all small and private. January was my last big hurrah and I got less than a week afterwards. So, even with 2 months left to go, I am freaking READY to ROCK. I'm pouring my heart and soul into crafting an event that everyone can enjoy. I feel like I have a purpose again - to make Halloween awesome. I feel like I'm planning Waynestock. Good food, great beverages, fantastic music, and amazing company - I have all the components of a magnificent night. All I need now are a few bottles of blood and a box of body parts and I'll be good to go.
1. No cover charge this year.
- Last year I had been throwing a party on a somewhat monthly basis. It was becoming a line item in my budget. And being 29 and single, that was getting to be a bit spendy. This year, due to medical reasons and other obligations, I've only thrown 1 public party. And that was the first week of January. I'm ready to rock again.
2. No complicated party theme.
- Last year's theme was "7 Deadly Sins". It was great - the house was broken up into different themed "zones" based on the different sins - greed was the poker table, gluttony was the buffet, envy was a special room with top shelf booze and food that had a higher cover charge, etc. It was fantastic in theory, but in practice it was overly complicated and a lot of people were put off by the cover charge. So everyone ended up just gathering in the kitchen as usual. This year the theme is Halloween Party. Ya. Everyone can just chill and have a good time without being forced to adhere to some crazy party rules. If I wanted to have a bunch of stupid rules I'd just play King's Cup or something like that.
3. I moved the date up a week.
- Having a Halloween party on the Saturday before Halloween is awesome. So awesome, in fact, that EVERYBODY ELSE does it too. Even the bars. Guests had to either choose me over something else or party hop. So, this year, I'm moving everything up a week. That way I won't conflict with everyone else's parties and festivities.
4. I'm keeping the things people loved.
- The Tarot card reader was a huge hit, and she will be back this year. I'm also keeping the costume contest and adding on an extra category. I love winning things, so I'd love to have more prize opportunities for this years' guests. I'm even considering adding a game or two (something simple, you can't get a group of costumed drinking adults together and ask them all focus). Maybe a simple scavenger hunt to get people to explore the house and see all the decorations and they win a fancy jello shot or some knick knack.
5. I started a poll of the guests to see what THEY want.
- Before blowing my whole budget on decorations or booze or whatever, I started polling the guests. I actually found out that they were more concerned with snacks and hors d'oeuvres, followed by desserts, than fancy cocktails or bulk booze. So, instead of my typical cheeses and dips and saucy meats; I'm putting some real time and effort into choosing some nifty spooky appetizers and such.
6. I hired a DJ.
- This way, I have ONE person that is in charge of music. He's a pro. He can read a crowd. Guests aren't going to dick with his equipment. He isn't going to blast the volume on a song and deafen an entire room because he wants to hear it two rooms over. He can choose songs that will please the crowd and honor requests rather than everyone trying to decide what everyone else wants to hear.
7. Rearranging the furniture. Again.
- Gonna move the basement office to the second guest room, the media center to the basement office, the dining table to the media area, and that leaves the main floor open. This can serve two purposes - setup space for dj/band, or dance floor. Or, I can just buy a pool table. Either works for me.
8. Hopefully it won't be colder than a witches' titty outside this year.
- Exterior decorations and furniture weren't really used last year because it was freaking freezing outside. I do have two fire pits that I'll be sure to fire up before the party, but hopefully the exterior temps won't keep everyone inside this year.
9. Inviting a much wider range of guests this year.
- I've noticed a few things about my parties - the socially awkward tend not to show up in the first place, and pretty much everybody I know is pretty cool. No one is easily offended and the faint of heart tend to leave early anyway. I don't have to regulate/decide who is going to have fun and who won't - they can take care of that on their own. All my friends are inclusive of strangers and I've never seen anyone at my parties sitting alone or looking lost/frightened/bored. I'm accustomed to hearing things like "Hey, your dad is really cool" and seeing a 25 year old and a 55 year old having an excellent conversation. I don't like the idea of anyone feeling uncomfortable worried that they're too old/too young/too conservative to have a good time.
10. More decor.
- Since I already have plenty of decorations from last year, I have a bit more time this year to focus on crafting and actually doing some fantastic hand made stuff. I've already started clearing out my stuffed animals and collecting fantastic ideas.
11. Craft Wines
- I tried my hand at a few different wines last year that turned out extremely well. Nothing like a bottle of homemade hard cider to capture the fading sunset and autumn air.
12. I already have a ton of RSVP's.
- This is one of those events where the more = the merrier. Seeing this much interest generated already freaking rocks. So hard. This party needs to go viral. I want Bill "Fucking" Murray there.
13. I've already started decorating.
- enough said
812. I am MOTIVATED.
- Due to some severe and unforeseen medical issues, the entire first half of this year sucked. Now I'm healed up and ready to get back in the game. I haven't had any parties since March/April and those were all small and private. January was my last big hurrah and I got less than a week afterwards. So, even with 2 months left to go, I am freaking READY to ROCK. I'm pouring my heart and soul into crafting an event that everyone can enjoy. I feel like I have a purpose again - to make Halloween awesome. I feel like I'm planning Waynestock. Good food, great beverages, fantastic music, and amazing company - I have all the components of a magnificent night. All I need now are a few bottles of blood and a box of body parts and I'll be good to go.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
812 Reasons I haven't been posting.
So, as I'm sure you noticed, it's been 6 months since my last post. I apologize for the delay, but it was unavoidable.
Cliffs' Notes:
1. The day after the last post my cousin died. He was only 22, just bought a house and graduated college, and was really blossoming into an exceptional guy. That hit the family HARD.
2. Medicare Season. It's like the crazy Christmas retail shopping season of health insurance. It's also my specialty.
3. I got crazy sick and we were all pretty convinced I was going to die.
The third warrants a bit more explanation - for 3 years I've been having terrible, extreme, intense back pain - the kind that makes you go from being afraid you're going to die to being afraid you WON'T. My doctor told me it was muscle spasms and gave me muscle relaxers for them. I spent about 6 months on the couch in 2009 and gained a bunch of weight and eventually they cleared up on their own. Well, what we didn't know was that the muscle spasms were just a symptom, not a diagnosis.
Late last year I began an ambitious diet and exercise program. By January I was down almost 50lbs and in the best shape I'd been in in years. Then, the muscle spasms came back, this time with a vengeance. It started the 2nd week of January and I saw my doctor right away - I wasn't going to go through the months of agony and weight gain I did before. So, she once again gave me muscle relaxers and this time put me in physical therapy.
I was diligent about my meds and my therapy - got a medical hold on my gym membership so as not to exacerbate my condition but followed my course of treatment with all alacrity and fervor. But, things continued to worsen and eventually I ended up in the ER. Now, those of you that know me know that the only times I've ever been in the ER were once for a worker's comp claim after a fall at work, and twice because of being hit by a car. I don't seek medical treatment unless I'm convinced I'm dying. The pain was akin to what I imagine it would feel like to being actively impaled with a pitchfork.
So, the ER did a set of X-rays and they were normal. They loaded me up with meds by injection and sent me home with scripts for more muscle relaxers and additional pain medication - they also felt it was a muscle spasm. So, armed with new meds I was back to square 1. But things kept getting worse.
Not only was the pain unbearable, but I started getting new symptoms - mostly itchiness but with other unpleasantries I won't subject you to. They did more X-rays, all negative. I thought it was a reaction to my pain meds so I went off anything to help with the pain. No improvement. They put me on steroids. No improvement. Then I started turning yellow.
They did an abdominal CT scan - negative. We ruled out acetaminophen toxicity as I was never on a high enough dose to cause a reaction, and my gallbladder didn't hurt and with the X rays and CT scan all being clear that left us with the 2 remaining causes of "painless" jaundice - primary biliary cirrhosis and pancreatic cancer. I couldn't sleep or even relax from the itching. I was sitting up all night, I couldn't focus at work, my entire life consisted of the itch that couldn't be scratched. I got a phone call from my doctor's office asking me to come in ASAP - my labs came back with my biliruben levels >25x the normal range. The next day I was hospitalized directly from the doctor's office.
At that point they couldn't give me anything for the pain and itching, just fluids to try to flush the excess bilirubin out of my bloodstream. I was on an all liquid diet because there were all sorts of tests being ordered, I couldn't even go home first to pick up a change of underwear because the doctors were desperate to try to get this diagnosed before the kidney and liver damage was permanent. That was the longest night of my life.
The next day started with an MRI. There, they finally saw it - my gallbladder was full of gallstones. Ninja gallstones that had been hiding from every other test and scan and were causing muscle spasms instead of just hurting like they were supposed to. They ordered an endoscopy to try to clear them out - there was one the size of a small marble blocking my bile duct. The endoscopy was not only unsuccessful, but I woke up while still scoped, and ended up being forcibly held down by the hands and head face down in my own vomit while they finished. That's when the surgery was ordered.
It was 8:30 on a Friday night when they finally took me in, they tried to remove my gallbladder laproscopically but the damage and inflammation were too severe so they had to remove it the old fashioned slice you open sort of way. I woke up with my entire stomach covered in gauze with all these tubes hanging out from under the bandage filled with blood and black bile. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I kept getting hiccups - I felt like I'd been eviscerated.
They kept me in the hospital through the weekend but my recovery was far from over. There were multiple setbacks in the healing, mostly pertaining to the external drains I was still wearing. My poor liver was so backed up trying to filter everything out I felt hungover constantly. It was about 3 weeks before I was able to get back to the office, and another 3 after that before I was healed. I celebrated by jumping out of a plane: http://youtu.be/iv3OL5b5yOU .
So, I'm still recovering - it'll be months before my body is back to normal, I'm still numb and without muscle control on a good section of my gut and my hopes of a bikini body are all shot to hell, but I've taken off another 15lbs and am still well on the road to a happy, healthy lifestyle.
So, that's why I haven't been blogging. Between family traumas, bodily traumas, and downright being busy; there hasn't been much time for putting my thoughts in order. But, work is going great, I just started my first company, my love life is going exceedingly well, and I just turned 30 being well on the road toward health, wealth, and happiness.
Cliffs' Notes:
1. The day after the last post my cousin died. He was only 22, just bought a house and graduated college, and was really blossoming into an exceptional guy. That hit the family HARD.
2. Medicare Season. It's like the crazy Christmas retail shopping season of health insurance. It's also my specialty.
3. I got crazy sick and we were all pretty convinced I was going to die.
The third warrants a bit more explanation - for 3 years I've been having terrible, extreme, intense back pain - the kind that makes you go from being afraid you're going to die to being afraid you WON'T. My doctor told me it was muscle spasms and gave me muscle relaxers for them. I spent about 6 months on the couch in 2009 and gained a bunch of weight and eventually they cleared up on their own. Well, what we didn't know was that the muscle spasms were just a symptom, not a diagnosis.
Late last year I began an ambitious diet and exercise program. By January I was down almost 50lbs and in the best shape I'd been in in years. Then, the muscle spasms came back, this time with a vengeance. It started the 2nd week of January and I saw my doctor right away - I wasn't going to go through the months of agony and weight gain I did before. So, she once again gave me muscle relaxers and this time put me in physical therapy.
I was diligent about my meds and my therapy - got a medical hold on my gym membership so as not to exacerbate my condition but followed my course of treatment with all alacrity and fervor. But, things continued to worsen and eventually I ended up in the ER. Now, those of you that know me know that the only times I've ever been in the ER were once for a worker's comp claim after a fall at work, and twice because of being hit by a car. I don't seek medical treatment unless I'm convinced I'm dying. The pain was akin to what I imagine it would feel like to being actively impaled with a pitchfork.
So, the ER did a set of X-rays and they were normal. They loaded me up with meds by injection and sent me home with scripts for more muscle relaxers and additional pain medication - they also felt it was a muscle spasm. So, armed with new meds I was back to square 1. But things kept getting worse.
Not only was the pain unbearable, but I started getting new symptoms - mostly itchiness but with other unpleasantries I won't subject you to. They did more X-rays, all negative. I thought it was a reaction to my pain meds so I went off anything to help with the pain. No improvement. They put me on steroids. No improvement. Then I started turning yellow.
They did an abdominal CT scan - negative. We ruled out acetaminophen toxicity as I was never on a high enough dose to cause a reaction, and my gallbladder didn't hurt and with the X rays and CT scan all being clear that left us with the 2 remaining causes of "painless" jaundice - primary biliary cirrhosis and pancreatic cancer. I couldn't sleep or even relax from the itching. I was sitting up all night, I couldn't focus at work, my entire life consisted of the itch that couldn't be scratched. I got a phone call from my doctor's office asking me to come in ASAP - my labs came back with my biliruben levels >25x the normal range. The next day I was hospitalized directly from the doctor's office.
At that point they couldn't give me anything for the pain and itching, just fluids to try to flush the excess bilirubin out of my bloodstream. I was on an all liquid diet because there were all sorts of tests being ordered, I couldn't even go home first to pick up a change of underwear because the doctors were desperate to try to get this diagnosed before the kidney and liver damage was permanent. That was the longest night of my life.
The next day started with an MRI. There, they finally saw it - my gallbladder was full of gallstones. Ninja gallstones that had been hiding from every other test and scan and were causing muscle spasms instead of just hurting like they were supposed to. They ordered an endoscopy to try to clear them out - there was one the size of a small marble blocking my bile duct. The endoscopy was not only unsuccessful, but I woke up while still scoped, and ended up being forcibly held down by the hands and head face down in my own vomit while they finished. That's when the surgery was ordered.
It was 8:30 on a Friday night when they finally took me in, they tried to remove my gallbladder laproscopically but the damage and inflammation were too severe so they had to remove it the old fashioned slice you open sort of way. I woke up with my entire stomach covered in gauze with all these tubes hanging out from under the bandage filled with blood and black bile. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I kept getting hiccups - I felt like I'd been eviscerated.
They kept me in the hospital through the weekend but my recovery was far from over. There were multiple setbacks in the healing, mostly pertaining to the external drains I was still wearing. My poor liver was so backed up trying to filter everything out I felt hungover constantly. It was about 3 weeks before I was able to get back to the office, and another 3 after that before I was healed. I celebrated by jumping out of a plane: http://youtu.be/iv3OL5b5yOU .
So, I'm still recovering - it'll be months before my body is back to normal, I'm still numb and without muscle control on a good section of my gut and my hopes of a bikini body are all shot to hell, but I've taken off another 15lbs and am still well on the road to a happy, healthy lifestyle.
So, that's why I haven't been blogging. Between family traumas, bodily traumas, and downright being busy; there hasn't been much time for putting my thoughts in order. But, work is going great, I just started my first company, my love life is going exceedingly well, and I just turned 30 being well on the road toward health, wealth, and happiness.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
812 Notes for my future boyfriend.
In lieu of recent events, I've been doing a lot of reflecting on the history of my love life. I've always considered myself to be a pretty good girlfriend - I've had an excellent and successful history of growing and maintaining long term relationships, and I've generally always been the one to terminate things. So, I always thought that meant I was happy.
I wasn't.
It's hard, I've always had hindsight bias - I've looked at the past and with one exception, I've considered everyone I've dated to have been a good person, and that the difficulties were merely due to differences in values or goals in life, not in irreconcilable differences in personality. Now that I've grown a spine and decided to respect myself, I'm seeing how much I never did that before, and the toll it's taken on my spirit, my personality, and my life.
So, this blog is going to be egotistical and selfish and all sorts of things that will make me look like a bitch. And I'm not sorry about that. I'm going over my weaknesses and mistakes so that I can learn not to repeat them.
1. I'm a mediator. I grew up in a family of strong opinions and learned at an early age that it is better to be agreeable than to be heard. I'm not knocking my family here, don't get me wrong - but it was more important to me to just let everyone else make their decisions and roll with it. Upside - I can be very easy going and can make due with whatever. Downside - I can't make my own decisions about little things like what to wear or where to eat and I'm generally afraid to open my mouth about what I want and what would make me happy because I'm afraid it'll upset or anger whomever I'm with. So, sometimes I need prodding.
2. I am afraid that everybody wants to hurt me. I've spent so long taking the blame for things - even things that aren't my fault - that sometimes I feel like I'm the repository of everyone's ills. I'm afraid to hold the people around me accountable for their actions, particularly how their actions affect me. Because I don't want to hurt them or make them feel guilty or dislike me. This festers until I'm so worn down that I'm dead inside.
3. I fight. Somewhere between keeping my mouth shut so people will like me and slowly dying inside, I fight. So much so that I'm geared up for it and everything someone says or does makes me react suddenly and angrily and all that hurt I've been holding inside comes gushing out. I'm terrified to trust anyone but because I don't I still have the insatiable urge to BE close to someone. So it's like that itch, that terrible, horrible itch, that I can never actually scratch.
4. I secretly crave snuggles. I didn't have a particularly affectionate family. Not that we were frosty with each other or anything, but we were never particularly touchy. Physical affection makes me nervous. Doesn't mean I don't love it though, just means I don't know how to ask for it or make it happen.
5. I give. I give my money, I give my time, I give my effort, I give my heart. I do everything in my power to make the people close to me happy. And I let them take, and take, and take, until there is nothing left to give and they're still unhappy and I'm miserable.
That, I think, is what this is really about. I'm tired of giving. I'm tired of losing myself piece by painful piece. It always starts off small - pretending to like things I don't, pretending things are okay when they aren't. I cover it all up with the mask of compromise - I'm compromising because I'm in a relationship and that's what you have to do. But compromise works both ways - I give and give and give but whenever I ask for something in return I get excuses and avoidance and shot down.
Not anymore.
I know I'm probably going to go through a bossy, demanding bitch phase while I'm adjusting and I'm sorry for whomever chooses to deal with me during this. But I deserve someone in my life that is at least willing to pretend to be interested in my singing, my homemade jewelry, my awesome kitty cat, and my winemaking. I want someone that I can have a real conversation with - that isn't just about them, isn't just about me, isn't just about work, and doesn't consist of 1 word answers.
812. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to be this transient entity that morphs to match the needs and desires of everyone around me. I want to listen and I want to be heard. I want to be half of a whole, not Atlas and not the World. And I need someone that wants that too - who can will stand up to me when I need it and who will give me the free reign to be myself and not just a mirror of who I think they want me to be.
And, whomever you are, I hope that's a journey you and I can travel together.
I wasn't.
It's hard, I've always had hindsight bias - I've looked at the past and with one exception, I've considered everyone I've dated to have been a good person, and that the difficulties were merely due to differences in values or goals in life, not in irreconcilable differences in personality. Now that I've grown a spine and decided to respect myself, I'm seeing how much I never did that before, and the toll it's taken on my spirit, my personality, and my life.
So, this blog is going to be egotistical and selfish and all sorts of things that will make me look like a bitch. And I'm not sorry about that. I'm going over my weaknesses and mistakes so that I can learn not to repeat them.
1. I'm a mediator. I grew up in a family of strong opinions and learned at an early age that it is better to be agreeable than to be heard. I'm not knocking my family here, don't get me wrong - but it was more important to me to just let everyone else make their decisions and roll with it. Upside - I can be very easy going and can make due with whatever. Downside - I can't make my own decisions about little things like what to wear or where to eat and I'm generally afraid to open my mouth about what I want and what would make me happy because I'm afraid it'll upset or anger whomever I'm with. So, sometimes I need prodding.
2. I am afraid that everybody wants to hurt me. I've spent so long taking the blame for things - even things that aren't my fault - that sometimes I feel like I'm the repository of everyone's ills. I'm afraid to hold the people around me accountable for their actions, particularly how their actions affect me. Because I don't want to hurt them or make them feel guilty or dislike me. This festers until I'm so worn down that I'm dead inside.
3. I fight. Somewhere between keeping my mouth shut so people will like me and slowly dying inside, I fight. So much so that I'm geared up for it and everything someone says or does makes me react suddenly and angrily and all that hurt I've been holding inside comes gushing out. I'm terrified to trust anyone but because I don't I still have the insatiable urge to BE close to someone. So it's like that itch, that terrible, horrible itch, that I can never actually scratch.
4. I secretly crave snuggles. I didn't have a particularly affectionate family. Not that we were frosty with each other or anything, but we were never particularly touchy. Physical affection makes me nervous. Doesn't mean I don't love it though, just means I don't know how to ask for it or make it happen.
5. I give. I give my money, I give my time, I give my effort, I give my heart. I do everything in my power to make the people close to me happy. And I let them take, and take, and take, until there is nothing left to give and they're still unhappy and I'm miserable.
That, I think, is what this is really about. I'm tired of giving. I'm tired of losing myself piece by painful piece. It always starts off small - pretending to like things I don't, pretending things are okay when they aren't. I cover it all up with the mask of compromise - I'm compromising because I'm in a relationship and that's what you have to do. But compromise works both ways - I give and give and give but whenever I ask for something in return I get excuses and avoidance and shot down.
Not anymore.
I know I'm probably going to go through a bossy, demanding bitch phase while I'm adjusting and I'm sorry for whomever chooses to deal with me during this. But I deserve someone in my life that is at least willing to pretend to be interested in my singing, my homemade jewelry, my awesome kitty cat, and my winemaking. I want someone that I can have a real conversation with - that isn't just about them, isn't just about me, isn't just about work, and doesn't consist of 1 word answers.
812. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to be this transient entity that morphs to match the needs and desires of everyone around me. I want to listen and I want to be heard. I want to be half of a whole, not Atlas and not the World. And I need someone that wants that too - who can will stand up to me when I need it and who will give me the free reign to be myself and not just a mirror of who I think they want me to be.
And, whomever you are, I hope that's a journey you and I can travel together.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
812 Reasons I'm not dead yet.
So, I know it's been a while, but I'm not dead yet.
I did, however, implement the new "stop trying to change everything just learn from prior mistakes" method I'd discussed before. And, other than a few people I'd already established that pattern with that I did have a hard time breaking, it's been extremely successful.
Now, the downside of that has been that people that were accustomed to "doormat Jenn" have had difficulty adjusting to "don't tread on me Jenn". I've been accused of being a cold, heartless bitch; passive-aggressive and difficult; and selfish. But, I've also been told that I'm tough but fair and that I push the people around me to be better. And those closest to me have stated that I have a new brightness, energy, and that I'm just generally happier than I've ever been before. And they're right.
Since I began casting off all that didn't serve me, cutting ties with ex friends, boyfriends, and acquaintances; I've managed to focus on me for the first time in a very, very long time. Now, I've been losing weight, making more sales than ever, finding new, awesome friends and reconnecting with old ones; and getting more sleep than I think I ever have that wasn't depression induced. So, clearly I must be doing something right.
However, I still am having trouble fully letting go of the past. I've managed to destroy the feelings I had for people that were preventing me from moving forward with my life, but I've yet been unable to retrain my reactions to new situations. I've been told:
But, the best part about this entire thing has been that I'm no longer dead inside. I was so numb for so long - just sick to my stomach of being hurt that I didn't even give a shit anymore about anyone or anything. And I ended up letting a lot of people in my life I shouldn't have and let them all stomp on what was left of my heart and self esteem. Through time, effort, and self improvement I've gotten enough duct tape and crazy glue to smoosh everything back together and you know what? I think it's actually beating again.
I'll still be very wary of people for a while yet. I know that. But I think I'm finally ready to move on to Goal #2:
Goal 2: Be willing to trust people again. Stop being a closed-off ice queen to everybody - I'm smart, successful, and not too painful to look at. People will like me for me. If that's not enough for them - too bad for them.
Overall though, I do have to say - cutting ties with the people that had been holding me back has been by far the second best decision of my entire life, with getting Smidgen declawed being the first. I can look at the people around me right now and feel good - I'm surrounded by people that respect and appreciate me for who and what I am, I'm not lying awake at night trying to figure out how to make them happy, they care about me and in turn are helping me to learn to care for myself. And it's working - I'm happier, healthier, and more successful than I've ever been. If I'd know how toxic a select few people were to me I'd have shut the door years ago and NOT opened it back up.
They say living well is the best revenge, but I don't even care about revenge. I don't even care about them, period. That part of my life is over and done with and the new part has been fantastic :-). So, here's to the future and all the fame, fortune, and good times it holds.
I did, however, implement the new "stop trying to change everything just learn from prior mistakes" method I'd discussed before. And, other than a few people I'd already established that pattern with that I did have a hard time breaking, it's been extremely successful.
Now, the downside of that has been that people that were accustomed to "doormat Jenn" have had difficulty adjusting to "don't tread on me Jenn". I've been accused of being a cold, heartless bitch; passive-aggressive and difficult; and selfish. But, I've also been told that I'm tough but fair and that I push the people around me to be better. And those closest to me have stated that I have a new brightness, energy, and that I'm just generally happier than I've ever been before. And they're right.
Since I began casting off all that didn't serve me, cutting ties with ex friends, boyfriends, and acquaintances; I've managed to focus on me for the first time in a very, very long time. Now, I've been losing weight, making more sales than ever, finding new, awesome friends and reconnecting with old ones; and getting more sleep than I think I ever have that wasn't depression induced. So, clearly I must be doing something right.
However, I still am having trouble fully letting go of the past. I've managed to destroy the feelings I had for people that were preventing me from moving forward with my life, but I've yet been unable to retrain my reactions to new situations. I've been told:
1. It's like I carry around the past with me like a bag of ammunition ready to unleash.
2. That I'm still reacting like an abuse victim and I assume everyone is going to hurt me.
3. That I need to forgive people for the past and accept that people really can change and treat things as new.
So, that's what I'm still working on. And it's a much bigger issue than I ever expected it would be - to actually trust someone not to let me down, intentionally hurt me, disrespect me, or take me for granted is intensely difficult and I've been a frosty bitch toward everyone in self defense. So, I'm probably doing a fantastic job of pushing people away right now but the few people that are still in the circle of trust have been goodly enough to tolerate me.
But, the best part about this entire thing has been that I'm no longer dead inside. I was so numb for so long - just sick to my stomach of being hurt that I didn't even give a shit anymore about anyone or anything. And I ended up letting a lot of people in my life I shouldn't have and let them all stomp on what was left of my heart and self esteem. Through time, effort, and self improvement I've gotten enough duct tape and crazy glue to smoosh everything back together and you know what? I think it's actually beating again.
I'll still be very wary of people for a while yet. I know that. But I think I'm finally ready to move on to Goal #2:
Goal 2: Be willing to trust people again. Stop being a closed-off ice queen to everybody - I'm smart, successful, and not too painful to look at. People will like me for me. If that's not enough for them - too bad for them.
Overall though, I do have to say - cutting ties with the people that had been holding me back has been by far the second best decision of my entire life, with getting Smidgen declawed being the first. I can look at the people around me right now and feel good - I'm surrounded by people that respect and appreciate me for who and what I am, I'm not lying awake at night trying to figure out how to make them happy, they care about me and in turn are helping me to learn to care for myself. And it's working - I'm happier, healthier, and more successful than I've ever been. If I'd know how toxic a select few people were to me I'd have shut the door years ago and NOT opened it back up.
They say living well is the best revenge, but I don't even care about revenge. I don't even care about them, period. That part of my life is over and done with and the new part has been fantastic :-). So, here's to the future and all the fame, fortune, and good times it holds.
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