Monday, April 7, 2014

812 Reasons this is the most chauvanistic OKCupid profile I've ever read.

Here is his summary, with my mental responses in italics.

My self-summary
1. MUST be loyal Of course

2. MUST be honest Yep, with you so far

3. Must NOT cuss(my mouth is filthy enough for two people) What a hypocrite. 

4. Must NOT smoke. Reasonable

5, Must drink beer or wine on (on the weekend or on occasion) Does that mean I'm not 'allowed' hard liquor?  What if I don't want to drink at all?  Or what if I like to have a cocktail after work every day?  Who are you to dictate what and when I can drink?

6. Must NOT do drugs(if smoked pot in the past..ehh, I can let that slide, who hasn't..but Cocaine..nah! I'll pass) Very reasonable

7. Must be willing to smoke a cigar(WITH me..don't worry, I don't smoke cheap Dutch Masters or Swisher Sweets...only the good stuff!) At least he qualified it with 'willing'.

8. No talking to guys(if I'm not enough man for wasn't meant to be...good luck)...NO GUY FRIENDS...they are thinking what I'm thinking.  What an insecure dickhole.  Who cares, as long as I'm honest and loyal and my guy friends are respectful it shouldn't matter. 

9. If wanting to go "out", must want to do it TOGETHER.  What if I want to go out with my other friends, or am I not allowed friends?

10. Must like to Okay

11. Must like to snuggle-snuggle...SERIOUS! I get it

12. Fighting and arguing happen between people in a relationship...when this happens, MUST be willing to STAY and talk and work things out! Must NOT say "I'm leaving to cool down" or "I'm going to 'think' things over"..that is B/S! You have already lost me at this point...your best bet, if you love ME, is to stay..  Sometimes you need cool-down time away from one another.  I had an ex that insisted on staying up to fight all the time - even going as far as showing up at my doorstep and not leaving.  I'd eventually concede because I'd be freaking exhausted. 

13. Must not be married...UNLESS you are going through or are serious about getting a divorce! Must NOT let that man dictate what we do on OUR time me he is NOT who you want and that I AM who you'd want the same thing and I would give you that respect.  You clearly have insecurity issues.

14. Must NOT be shady w/your cell phone...if it rings, answer FRONT of me. If you need to go to the bathroom to talk or are going to the bathroom and I feel it is shady, go ahead and call a cab OR the man you are talking to on the other line and arrange to be picked up...I'll already be on my way home... If you can't CALL me then text me, that's fine. If you can't talk to me face to face, THEN call get the point? NOTE : if I send you a question in a text, and the answer if "ok", don't text "k". Are you seriously THAT lazy? That is only 2nd to being annoying as rule 22 (see below : if rules 14 - 21 don't drive you away first) Clearly you have trust issues and you need to work that out on your own.  Forcing a woman to submit to your scrutiny and inspection is not going to assuage your insecurities.  It's just going to make her feel like a caged animal.

15. Must like to go to concerts (TOGETHER) So what if you don't want to go? 

16. Must like to go to Reds/Bengals games AND drink beer(see rule 5) So you're just flat out calling them rules now?  At least you're honest.

17. Must like to do shots..I like Wild Turkey, but I will drink what you drink if you are willing to do a shot with me. I'm flexible(can't you tell so Not funny.

18. Must like to fish..I don't care if you bait your hook or not. Just be with me & have fun...rule 5 helps...but not required...unless we are camping and neither one of us have to drive home...then please do rule 5 in excess, we will be preforming rule 11 then rule 10 by the end of the night!

19. Must be ladylike..but not high maintenance. You are a girl for a reason and I am a guy for a reason...If I wanted someone that acted like me, I'd be gay...and I am far from it! Just play your part and I'll play mine. Sound good? Good.

20. I'm not looking for a loud, violent and/or obnoxious drinking type to be with..

21. If you even slightly think a guys is "good looking", I don't want to know about it(keep it to yourself). .it will eventually end what "we" have. And if you are the kind of girl that "idolizes" male sports figures, rock stars, etc.and don't feel you can breath w/o them...or feel your life will not be complete until you meet them in person...I apologize that you wasted your time reading the first 20 rules...again, good luck on your quest. *I don't date girls that are "hung up" on wrestlers, nascar drivers, male country/rock stars because it's something that should have stopped by the time you graduated high school ..if this is the case, please delete me...or I'll get around to deleting you later.  I can understand the annoyance of having a partner hung up on a celebrity, but still, this alpha male thing is really getting old.

22. Please don't yawn and talk at the same one, then the other. To me, this is worse that scratching nail across a chalkboard...

23. In a 24hr day, make more than 20mins to talk to me on the some point, why don't we just SEE each other? If you have lame excuses as to why you CAN'T make this happen, it's probably time for me to move on...  I'm surprised you don't have a talk/check in schedule pre-determined.  I imagine there's also a time limit for responding to text messages.

24. On days not working, we MUST spend time together. Sundays are great for hanging out and watching movies, is too short to not spend it w/the person you love. Right? Make it happen! Must NOT conflict w/rule 13!!!! This is OUR time!  No, it's my time and your time.  I might need my time for chores, errands, or my family.  I'd want to spend time with my man because I CHOOSE to, not because I HAVE to.

25. You will be a priority in my life..I, in return ,will be one in yours! It will be in the top 3! If I slip out of your top 3 priorities, then you've wasted my time...shame on you. Children will be above me, that is to be expected...but children, no matter how many, are grouped as 1 priority level.  How can I be top priority if your kids are top priority?  Will I have to raise them too? Do you have an additional set of rules for how I'm expected to behave with your kids?

26. This sounds silly, but I assure you, I'm serious. MUST be willing to scratch my back from time to time...I love that! In return, I will give you a two-handed massage and will not complain while doing it. Because if we've come to the point that both my hands are on you, I'm doing it because a.) it makes you feel good and b.) maybe it'll turn you on...well, I'm just being honest. Nothing you say or do will ever turn me on.  I'm not attracted to jackass.

27. If you say "I will call you at whatever time", then call at THAT time, not later, before is ok, That applies to a meeting time as well. Patience is something I wasn't given a lot of apparently... It's not patience, it's possessiveness. Just call a spade a spade.

28. Well, there are some things that pertain to like love making and bedroom talk, this is no place to go into details..but I just didn't want to leave that out...nothing bad, Just like being able to look into each others eyes and say "I love you" while... TMI

29. If you are a bartender, quit your job...I could use your skills at home, but that isn't what a lifestyle I want to be "married" to. Even girls that work at restaurants, tend to work w/people that want to go out every night and spend their tip money at a bar. Come home to me and WE'LL go out or be with them....don't bother coming home in that case.  So you're going to support me, your kids, and yourself? Are you also going to dress me? 

30. If you've ever been with or would consider being with a black guy, mexican or other, then no! Oh, and you're racist.  Classy.  
What I’m doing with my life
Watching my children grow like weeds before my eyes :-(
Yeah, better you than me.  I want no part of that. And no part of whatever personality disorder drama you clearly bring to the table.

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