Wednesday, November 24, 2010

812 Reasons why I both love and loathe change.

I'm sorry for the gap in posts, but with a trip to Texas to find out I'm the most awesome health insurance agent ever, Medicare season starting, my twin moving to the other side of the country, and being in the process of buying and moving into his house things have been extremely busy lately. 

But, alas, I'm alone tonight and having plenty of time to contemplate the recent and impending changes to my life and the lives of those around me. So, I'm taking some time to re-assess my priorities and this may be another babble/rant like the last post.  Sorry, I'll be back to well developed intellectual posts as soon as possible.

It's funny to me - in some ways I feel like I'm on top of the world right now.  If all goes well, I'm going to be moving into a house I can be proud of complete with furnishings and the like. I'm kicking ass at work - just got the first EVER AARP Services Inc. Distinguished Customer Experience Award - had a fantastic trip to Texas with AARP and Aetna.  And with Medicare sales going on now - I have people from all over calling me up for advice, counseling, questions - and you know what?  I love it.  I love being the one with all the answers. I'm singing all over the place and I keep getting additional requests - I'm really building a life that I can be proud of. 

But, at the same time, I'm terrified.  I'm terrified because I'm taking risks.  I'm overextending myself.  I'm feeling vulnerable.  I'm starting to experiment with trusting people and I feel like every time I do I'm getting burned.  I've grown accustomed to faces, sounds, companionship - I'm going to have to re-adjust to being alone. 

I done this before.  I've lived off of ramen noodles, I've made it through winter through creative use of space heaters.  I've gone home alone, come home to an empty house, woken up alone. 

So why does it feel so different this time?  Maybe I've gotten lazy and comfy with the status quo.  Maybe I'm afraid that through extending myself even farther I'll expose how vulnerable I really am.  Maybe I'm afraid that I'll fail and I won't be able to make my payments.  I don't know. 

So, I think I've been trying to figure out what my biggest fear is in all of this and I think it is loneliness.  I can deal with cold, I can deal with empty refrigerators, but dragging my kitty out to my parents house a few nights a week for companionship and watching old In Living Color DVDs on a loop until I start to dream in 1992 isn't something I want to go through again. 

But, it is different this time.  I have furniture now.  I have an awesome kitty cat and with all that space I can easily get another to keep her company during the day.  I have my choirs and my piano and my yoga.  I have internet on my phone so I can keep up with the outside world outside of work.  I have a larger dvd collection so I don't have to rely on movies and In Living Color for visual and auditory companionship.

I guess my biggest fear is that I won't be happy.  But as much as I fear that I won't be any happier there, I'm afraid that stagnating and taking the safe road will make me feel empty inside.  Yes, right now I have a life and lifestyle that is working for me, but it isn't taking me to the next level.  I'm always looking around at things in my life that I feel need improvement.  Things that disappoint me.  Things that make me feel inadequate.  I know that new and improved surroundings won't change that - but I know that if things stay exactly as they are right now I'll be more disappointed in myself for passing the opportunity to improve myself and my station in life.

I think I've talked myself out for the moment.

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