812 Reasons OKCupid is like playing Bars & Bells

We’ve all been there before – you have a few bucks in your pocket and you decide to throw them in on the possibility of something greater.   You decide to play Bars & Bells, or scratch offs, or whatever kind of instant win game you choose.  First round – you win a little, so you go back to reinvest your winnings.  Second round – same deal, win a little bit, reinvest your winnings.  And you go back for more.

And more

And more

And you know that somewhere, deep in the pile of tickets is the jackpot.

And you know that you’ve already found plenty of winners, had a few good ones, some mediocre, mostly losers; but you’re compelled to keep going.

Because you know that deep in there is exactly what you’re looking for – the triple bar.

Perhaps we set the proverbial “bar” too high.  We focus on the end game instead of the play.  We ignore the winners we’ve had and just focus on the grand prize – the birds in the bush instead of the bird in the hand.  We keep going back to the counter, knowing that our rate of return is diminishing, that the well is drying up, and we’re most likely going to end up with less than what we started with in the first place.

But we still go back, because the idea of the perfect card is too alluring to pass up.  The big win, the point at which we say “I’m done – there are no other cards greater than this one, I may now quit happily and satisfied with my winnings.”

Sometimes, I think I’ve hit the wall with OKCupid.  I gave it up for about 6 weeks to let the pond restock.  I figured I’d met all the winners and was getting down to the B list.  And I have met some amazing people on there – some of whom I’ve grown to be rather fond.  But I still feel like there is something wanting, something I’ve missed – when interactions grow stale and the flames of passion have burnt out and embers grow cold. 

So, I went back to the counter.

I know it’s a crapshoot at this point.  Maybe there’s someone awesome on there, someone brand new.  Maybe there’s a winner in there somewhere, a fellow polymath with passions and goals and focus.  A gentleman that knows when to treat me like a lady and when to stand up and be a man.   Someone interested in cats and music and ballroom dance, someone that enjoys philosophical debates and Shakespeare just as much as crude humor and low brow comedy; and that would be perfectly fine with me being the most super girlfriend/companion ever. 

I have a big heart.  I don’t hand it out often.  I’ve been hurt a few too many times and I can be a bit gunshy.  But if I’m willing to go in I’m willing to go big, and I’m sure there is someone, somewhere out there that’s willing to appreciate that.  And until I find that person, I’ll most likely still be standing at the counter, taking my chances that maybe this time, this one – this will be the lucky one. 

812 Things that are more important than sleep

It has been too long since my last adventure.  I've had my outings, my moments - but it's been nigh on 3 months since I've last done something utterly foolish and irresponsible and certainly not fit for a work night.  I believe I may be getting the itch again - the itch to shake things up a bit.  Maybe climb a mountain or jump out of another plane.  Maybe stay out all night and spend way too much on scotch.  Perhaps I'll let myself even start feeling feelings again, just for the thrill of the ride before they get shattered.

As anyone that's ever been graced with sharing my bed can tell you, I am not much of a sleeper.  There are so many things more important than sleep, and I'm not just talking about a sexy rumpus or anxious insomnia.  There are the moments you share - staying up all night exchanging movie quotes with a friend, reading one another poetry, whispering secret details of ones' childhood.  But then there are the stolen moments, the synchronization of breathing, the listening to one anothers' heartbeats, the excruciatingly careful placement of hands and limbs... soaking in the moments of shared silence before sleep comes and the moment is broken. Those are the moments I always want to freeze - the stillness of quiet perfection, the feeling of connection with another human being, knowing that once daylight comes the veil will be lifted and the disconnect will return and I will again be alone with my thoughts.

Sleep is important to the body.  There are things more important than sleep - things that are important to the soul.  Like the shoulder of a man and the way it makes a perfect pillow.  Or the smell of a pillow that isn't yours.  And the way the back of ones' neck can be caressed with merely a breath.  These are the moments where souls can touch, people connect, if it is the right person at the right time.  So unfortunately often though, it is merely strangers sharing space, disconnected and alone regardless of being in one anothers' arms.