Tuesday, October 11, 2011

812 Reasons I'm not dead yet.

So, I know it's been a while, but I'm not dead yet.

I did, however, implement the new "stop trying to change everything just learn from prior mistakes" method I'd discussed before.  And, other than a few people I'd already established that pattern with that I did have a hard time breaking, it's been extremely successful.

Now, the downside of that has been that people that were accustomed to "doormat Jenn" have had difficulty adjusting to "don't tread on me Jenn".  I've been accused of being a cold, heartless bitch; passive-aggressive and difficult; and selfish.  But, I've also been told that I'm tough but fair and that I push the people around me to be better.  And those closest to me have stated that I have a new brightness, energy, and that I'm just generally happier than I've ever been before.  And they're right.

Since I began casting off all that didn't serve me, cutting ties with ex friends, boyfriends, and acquaintances; I've managed to focus on me for the first time in a very, very long time.  Now, I've been losing weight, making more sales than ever, finding new, awesome friends and reconnecting with old ones; and getting more sleep than I think I ever have that wasn't depression induced.  So, clearly I must be doing something right.

However, I still am having trouble fully letting go of the past.  I've managed to destroy the feelings I had for people that were preventing me from moving forward with my life, but I've yet been unable to retrain my reactions to new situations.  I've been told:

1. It's like I carry around the past with me like a bag of ammunition ready to unleash.

2. That I'm still reacting like an abuse victim and I assume everyone is going to hurt me.

3. That I need to forgive people for the past and accept that people really can change and treat things as new.

So, that's what I'm still working on.  And it's a much bigger issue than I ever expected it would be - to actually trust someone not to let me down, intentionally hurt me, disrespect me, or take me for granted is intensely difficult and I've been a frosty bitch toward everyone in self defense.  So, I'm probably doing a fantastic job of pushing people away right now but the few people that are still in the circle of trust have been goodly enough to tolerate me. 

But, the best part about this entire thing has been that I'm no longer dead inside.  I was so numb for so long - just sick to my stomach of being hurt that I didn't even give a shit anymore about anyone or anything.  And I ended up letting a lot of people in my life I shouldn't have and let them all stomp on what was left of my heart and self esteem.  Through time, effort, and self improvement I've gotten enough duct tape and crazy glue to smoosh everything back together and you know what?  I think it's actually beating again. 

I'll still be very wary of people for a while yet.  I know that.  But I think I'm finally ready to move on to Goal #2:

Goal 2: Be willing to trust people again. Stop being a closed-off ice queen to everybody - I'm smart, successful, and not too painful to look at.  People will like me for me.  If that's not enough for them - too bad for them.

Overall though, I do have to say - cutting ties with the people that had been holding me back has been by far the second best decision of my entire life, with getting Smidgen declawed being the first.  I can look at the people around me right now and feel good - I'm surrounded by people that respect and appreciate me for who and what I am, I'm not lying awake at night trying to figure out how to make them happy, they care about me and in turn are helping me to learn to care for myself. And it's working - I'm happier, healthier, and more successful than I've ever been.  If I'd know how toxic a select few people were to me I'd have shut the door years ago and NOT opened it back up.

They say living well is the best revenge, but I don't even care about revenge.  I don't even care about them, period. That part of my life is over and done with and the new part has been fantastic :-).  So, here's to the future and all the fame, fortune, and good times it holds.

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