Monday, February 25, 2013
Sometimes I feel like I am the only one left in the world that has passions.
I am not speaking in a strictly romantic sense. I am passionate about a great many things – I am a thinker of deep thoughts and a doer of a great many things. Some of them are interests, hobbies, or mere fillers of time. Others though, my singing, my cat (and kitten fostering), my parties, and my ongoing search for my soul’s counterpart… these go beyond that. These are things around which I have carefully structured my life, time, and my body. Even the parties I could do without, I would miss them but there would not be the hole in my heart as would be left by living a catless life, never again hearing my voice soar over a crowd, or never feeling my heart being touched by another.
I have recently met so many new people in such a short amount of time – interesting, intelligent people, with myriad interests and talents. Yet, despite a plethora of new conversations and experiences I’ve accrued, I still feel disconnected. I can’t quite put my finger on why… but the vast majority of my interactions seem superficial, shallow, and a mere acting out of expected behaviors and polite conversation. Not that they are not enjoyable, but just that it seems that something is missing – that innate connection that one sometimes gets with another person - the je ne sais quoi which surpasses understanding and bonds us to one another.
I am a goal oriented person. If I don’t have anything with which to look forward in the short term, I usually end up planning a party. It gives me something to plan for, something to get excited about, something toward which for me to funnel all my extra mental energy. I spend weeks to months crafting the perfect experience for my guests – music, food, drinks, entertainment; all blended together for an incredible evening. But, then the big night comes and afterwards it is all over and I’m back to square one. I just threw such a shindig last weekend, so perhaps I am tired, perhaps I am moody, but perhaps it just serves as a reminder of my lack of emotional connection to those around me.
There is a good possibility that the problem is, in fact, with me. I myself tend to be closed off, cold, and difficult to get to know. I have been burned many times and have difficulty opening myself up to being hurt. As such, I tend to push others away – unwilling to risk exposing myself to emotional attachment and therefore the corresponding emotional gains. Maybe it’s the possibility of hurt that heightens the degree of connection we feel with one another. Perhaps with a greater emotional investment I would gain greater returns. Or perhaps I’d just be opening myself up to people with no scope of emotion that would never reciprocate my affections.
But at the same time if I ask someone about what they are passionate, I do expect an answer, and a proper answer, not the cookie cutter health & wealth. Maybe I’m not giving them enough credit, not everyone possesses the lingual skills with which to properly express their thoughts. But it certainly seems that there ought to be some sort of depth of emotion attached to at least SOME aspect of one’s’ life. There are few things in life more thrilling than seeing someone show true passion for something – whether it’s their eyes lighting up when the talk about it, or watching them go into a trancelike state while practicing it. The best is when it is something you can share – to feed off of one another’s’ energy and experience it together. But regardless of how I feel about an activity, I can still adore it if I’m with someone that genuinely loves what they are doing.
I repeatedly get a sense that no one values anything anymore. In today’s world of instant gratification, who truly has passions anymore? We have our interests and our activities but they only run skin deep. But how can I, a passionate person, ever be satisfied with someone that is not? If they can’t name one thing about which they really and truly care, how would they ever be capable of caring for me? Would I simply be another activity, an accessory to their life, a tool to assist with their daily living? They might tell me they care, or go through the motions of expected behaviors, but I’ve wasted time before on passionless people, and they always have taken me for granted in the end.
Passionate people see value in things, in people, and in connections. We treasure those around us and choose our cohorts carefully. We are centers of influence and excitement and touch the lives of those to whom we are close. I want someone with whom I can share not just activities and conversation but ideas, emotions, and excitement; someone with whom I can bond, a kindred spirit, in whom I can lose myself and find myself all at once - my twin soul.
Perhaps no such person exists. Or, they do, and I’ve met them; but am unable to see it due to my own frosty nature. Or perhaps I do know them, but they are just as closed off and cold as me, and until we each learn to shed our skins we will be unable to recognize our counterparts in one another.