812 Passions
Sometimes I feel like I am the only one left in the world
that has passions.
I am not speaking in a strictly romantic sense. I am passionate about a great many things – I
am a thinker of deep thoughts and a doer of a great many things. Some of them are interests, hobbies, or mere
fillers of time. Others though, my
singing, my cat (and kitten fostering), my parties, and my ongoing search for
my soul’s counterpart… these go beyond that.
These are things around which I have carefully structured my life, time,
and my body. Even the parties I could do
without, I would miss them but there would not be the hole in my heart as would
be left by living a catless life, never again hearing my voice soar over a
crowd, or never feeling my heart being touched by another.
I have recently met so many new people in such a short
amount of time – interesting, intelligent people, with myriad interests and
talents. Yet, despite a plethora of new
conversations and experiences I’ve accrued, I still feel disconnected. I can’t quite put my finger on why… but the
vast majority of my interactions seem superficial, shallow, and a mere acting
out of expected behaviors and polite conversation. Not that they are not enjoyable, but just
that it seems that something is missing – that innate connection that one
sometimes gets with another person - the je ne sais quoi which surpasses
understanding and bonds us to one another.
I am a goal oriented person.
If I don’t have anything with which to look forward in the short term, I
usually end up planning a party. It
gives me something to plan for, something to get excited about, something
toward which for me to funnel all my extra mental energy. I spend weeks to months crafting the perfect
experience for my guests – music, food, drinks, entertainment; all blended
together for an incredible evening. But,
then the big night comes and afterwards it is all over and I’m back to square
one. I just threw such a shindig last
weekend, so perhaps I am tired, perhaps I am moody, but perhaps it just serves
as a reminder of my lack of emotional connection to those around me.
There is a good possibility that the problem is, in fact,
with me. I myself tend to be closed off,
cold, and difficult to get to know. I
have been burned many times and have difficulty opening myself up to being
hurt. As such, I tend to push others
away – unwilling to risk exposing myself to emotional attachment and therefore
the corresponding emotional gains. Maybe
it’s the possibility of hurt that heightens the degree of connection we feel
with one another. Perhaps with a greater
emotional investment I would gain greater returns. Or perhaps I’d just be opening myself up to
people with no scope of emotion that would never reciprocate my affections.
But at the same time if I ask someone about what they are
passionate, I do expect an answer, and a proper answer, not the cookie cutter
health & wealth. Maybe I’m not
giving them enough credit, not everyone possesses the lingual skills with which
to properly express their thoughts. But
it certainly seems that there ought to be some sort of depth of emotion
attached to at least SOME aspect of one’s’ life. There are few things in life more thrilling
than seeing someone show true passion for something – whether it’s their eyes
lighting up when the talk about it, or watching them go into a trancelike state
while practicing it. The best is when it
is something you can share – to feed off of one another’s’ energy and
experience it together. But regardless
of how I feel about an activity, I can still adore it if I’m with someone that
genuinely loves what they are doing.
I repeatedly get a sense that no one values anything
anymore. In today’s world of instant
gratification, who truly has passions anymore?
We have our interests and our activities but they only run skin
deep. But how can I, a passionate
person, ever be satisfied with someone that is not? If they can’t name one thing about which they
really and truly care, how would they ever be capable of caring for me? Would I simply be another activity, an
accessory to their life, a tool to assist with their daily living? They might tell me they care, or go through
the motions of expected behaviors, but I’ve wasted time before on passionless
people, and they always have taken me for granted in the end.
Passionate people see value in things, in people, and in
connections. We treasure those around us
and choose our cohorts carefully. We are
centers of influence and excitement and touch the lives of those to whom we are
close. I want someone with whom I can
share not just activities and conversation but ideas, emotions, and excitement;
someone with whom I can bond, a kindred spirit, in whom I can lose myself and
find myself all at once - my twin soul.
Perhaps no such person exists. Or, they do, and I’ve met them; but am unable
to see it due to my own frosty nature.
Or perhaps I do know them, but they are just as closed off and cold as
me, and until we each learn to shed our skins we will be unable to recognize
our counterparts in one another.
The only issue with all of this is that more times than not; every passionate person I've met is unable to apply that passion to the other parts of their lives with the same intensity.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's also possible to find someone who has yet to find their passion and in all possibility it could be you :)